Words Can Limit: Rethinking Can’t and Should
A Willpower Experiment
I’ve been part of a book club since 2018. Calling it a “book club” doesn’t really do it justice. We share insights, put new ideas into practice, and hold one another accountable to actually live them out.
I want everyone to find a group like this. Or better yet, create one! We need more communities that challenge us to grow together.
This month we’re reading Kelly McGonigal’s The Willpower Instinct. Each chapter includes a reflection and experiment, which is right up our alley.
One chapter challenged us to choose one small thing that we would do (or wouldn’t do) and track it for the week as a willpower workout. As I struggled to narrow it down to just one thing, the answer became obvious while I was reading a Philosopher’s Notes on Marie Forleo’s Everything is Figureoutable, another favorite in my library.
My challenge was set: remove the words “can’t” and “should” from my vocabulary.
Allow me to explain.
The Difference Between Can’t and Won’t
What we say isn’t always what we actually mean.
We have familiar phrases that produce predictable results:
“I’m fine.”
“I didn’t really want that anyway.”
“I’m good with whatever you choose.”
Unfortunately, we can also mislead ourselves with our words.
Take “can’t,” for example:
“I can’t make it to that event.”
“I can’t help you with that project this week.”
“I can’t bear to watch another episode of that show.”
There are certainly exceptions, but most of the time, “can’t” often means we don’t really have a compelling enough desire to make the necessary sacrifice.
Consider these alternatives:
“I don’t care enough about attending that event to sacrifice time with my family.”
“I don't want to redirect my already limited time, attention, and energy toward a project that isn't mine to carry right now.”
I don’t want to spend my limited ‘brain bubble gum’ time (those lovely moments of doing nothing) watching a show that doesn’t align with the kind of mind and life I’m trying to cultivate.
See what I mean?
Sure, we may be physically capable of attending the event, staying late to help, or watching the show. But instead, we’re making a conscious choice to say no.
We don’t necessarily need to explain all of that to the recipient of our “can’t.” However, in our internal dialogue, it’s important to recognize what “can’t” actually means so we don’t accidentally convince ourselves that we’re powerless.
The Trap of “Should”
Marie also shares the trap of “should,” which I quickly found myself falling into.
I had just reentered a regular workweek after spending a wonderful week with family. After crossing three time zones, my sleep schedule was wrecked and my recovery wasn’t ideal.
A few hours into tackling the mountain of paperwork in my inbox, I decided to take a quick power nap.
As I lay on the couch, I couldn’t relax. My mind kept repeating all the things I should be doing.
I couldn’t even enjoy the benefit of this small recovery break.
Then I remembered what Marie said about “should.”
Should is a loaded word. It often limits our sense of autonomy while undermining our confidence in our own decisions.
When I hit the wall of diminishing returns in my office, I had options:
Option A: Keep working. Be tired and grumpy. Accept limited results from diminished capacity.
Option B: Take a 30-minute recovery break, rest my overstrained eyes, recharge, and return with a better attitude and likely better results.
I chose Option B. It was the right decision.
But repeating “I should be in my office working right now” was stealing my peace and causing me to question my own judgment.
As soon as I realized that, I replaced "should" with "could."
I could go back to my office.
I could continue working.
I could choose differently.
But I had already chosen wisely. I could simply enjoy the break and trust my decision.
That small shift changed everything.
Growth Happens in Community
I'd love for you to join me in this experiment. It's difficult at first, but with awareness and practice, we begin to recognize when we're missing the mark and can realign more quickly.
I’ve already had a few “can’t” and “should” slips during this experiment, and I’m sure there will be more. The slips are part of the learning process. What I want to avoid is the slide–the moment when a mistake stirs up discouragement, and discouragement calcifies into giving up. When we convince ourselves that we can’t get it right, we stop trying.
Having an incredible community of like-minded people who value growth as much as you do? That gives you an incomparable advantage!
Who will you invite to join you this week?
Your Internal Dialogue Shapes Your Brain
I believe in the power of words, but I needed a little convincing when it came to the power of internal dialogue. It seemed like a stretch to think my private thoughts were shaping much of anything… until I started to understand that repetitive thoughts become tangible neural pathways that are physically formed in our brains.
It turns out that James Allen was on to something long before science could explain it when he penned As A Man Thinketh all those years ago.
So here’s the challenge. Think about what you’re thinking about.
Would you want the people you love most to have these kinds of thoughts? Are they building you up or tearing you down?
Our thoughts shape our brain, and our brain shapes the way we experience the world.
How are the thought patterns you’re practicing today shaping your world tomorrow?
Encouragement
Hebrews 10:24-25
And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.
Marie Forleo
The most powerful words in the universe are the words you say to yourself.
Kelly McGonigal
When your mind is preoccupied, your impulses—not your long-term goals—will guide your choices.